Sigh. Here is where I admit that I'm at the point in parenting my daughter where...
I just don't know what to do anymore.
She has tantrums 5-8 times a day, and every single one of them is over clothes.
I'm talking about middle sister, she is two and half.
Here is what a regular day with her is like:
Morning-
Me or Mr: Middle sister, it's time to get dressed for church! It's really cold out so we have to dress warm today!
M.S- "I AM dressed! I'm wearing pajamas!"
Me or Mr- "No middle sister, we have to wear real clothes when we go to church. You will be so pretty and warm!
M.S- here comes the tantrum- she screams and cries, throws herself on the floor: "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! I AM DRESSED! AHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! " (I mean...the tantrums are bad...).
Me or Mr.- Middle sister, please come get dressed. All of your friends are waiting at church for you and if you wear pjs your going to look really silly and be very cold. We need to get dressed right now."
M.S- More screaming, crying, and throwing herself around. Im pretty sure my neighbors wonder what in the world we do to our children.
Mr. and I usually then make her go to her room until she is ready to get dressed, where she throws an even bigger fit.
We try hugging her and making her laugh about something to get her mind off it, but the minute we go to take her clothes off, the screaming begins.
We then try to ignore her and get everyone else in the house dressed and ready to go while she is screaming.
We can only ignore her for so long....we do eventually have to get out the door.
Mr. ends up holding her while I force her clothes on her. It is very hard to do, as she is kicking and resisting us.
We get home from church and she strips her clothes off in the living room and puts her pjs back on. She is thirsty. I give her a cup of juice with water. A drop drips on her shirt. When I mean drop, I mean a DROP...a tiny DROP. She begins to freak out.
"MMMYYYY SHIRT IS WET!!!!!!!!AHHHHHHHHH MY SHIRT IS WET!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO! MY SHIRT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! We have to take her shirt off and dry it to get her to calm down. But, she "has" to have a shirt to wear in the meantime.
"Here's another shirt while the other one is drying, MS."
"NOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOO! NOT THAT ONE! NOT THAT ONE!
"Ok, which one do you want?" (she picks one and we put it on her)
"NOOOOOOOOOO NOOOOOOOOO ITS DOESNT MATCH!!!! NOOOOOOOOO!!!"
Screaming and crying and pulling her shirt off.
...sigh...
"Lets pick out another"
I give her the next one she picks. She puts it on.
"AHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOO IT HAS SAND ON IT!!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
"SAND?, MS, there is NO sand on your shirt! You just got it, it's clean!"
She begins throwing herself around the room and screaming/crying while taking off the shirt.
We've tried to not give her another shirt at all...and she will throw an hour long tantrum.
Eventually, after about three shirts, she finds one that she thinks matches or doesnt have sand on it. Then 5 minutes later she is screaming for the shirt that is in the dryer.
Its lunchtime.
She wants to wear her shirt to eat.
Here we go, she gets even just a crumb on it, she starts freaking out and we have to go through the entire shirt changing thing again.
This happens all through the day if she eats or drinks anything.
Sometimes she doesnt have to do anything at all, sometimes she seriously imagines something is on her...like the "sand".
Fast forward to bedtime.
45 minutes and a huge tantrum later...she finally has a pair of Pjs on that is suitable to her.
WAIT, I spoke to fast.
There is something wrong with the wrists on the shirt.
Huh ?
Yes.
The end of the shirt has to come down to a certain point on her wrists (which changes everyday, not sure where it has to be) or she will freak out and have another tantrum....and have to change shirts 10 more times.
This happens every single day, without fail.
It's exhausting.
Its stressful.
It's annoying.
It's hard.
It's not fair to her sisters who many times have to just wait for me to help them or give them attention while I'm working with Middle sister during a 30 minute tantrum .
Many times I end up losing my patience and yelling at her and then I feel awful afterwards with how I handle it.
Every time it happens, the minute she begins I ask God to please help me through this, because I cannot deal with it on my own.
And that's the only thing that I know of that I have left to keep trying, is just praying.
I have no idea what to do anymore.
Is this a phase?
Is this some kind of OCD or something?
Is it normal?
How do YOU handle tantrums in your home?
How would you deal with this?
Bless your heart Shay! She's just going through a stage and as easy as it is to say yet hard to deal with it will pass.
ReplyDeleteShe's at that point where she wants to make the choices and feels like you're making them for her. She's trying to become more independent and battling with you for that independence.
Have you tried picking out clothes the night before? You pick out 3 outfits and then lay them out and let her make the choice as to which she would like to wear. Then you still have some control but in her mind she is making the decision.
Stephanie has some good points and I too say " bless your heart!" That is a hard one. I'm not sure if this is a power struggle or not because I'm not there to see it. She sounds really strong willed. She sounds like she wants to be in control of herself.
ReplyDeleteThere are some books out there, I think one by James Dobson on the strong willed child.
My sister was this way and some WAS due to the fact that she had a sensory disorder.
Prayers for you and your hubby!
Hey Shay!
ReplyDeleteUmm I think Ellie Kate and Riley might be little perfectionists:)
Seriously though, we go through some of the same things and same tantrums over and over!
I will say EK has done better since I started following a book recommended by a friend. The book is 'sheparding a childs heart' by Tedd Tripp.
I don't know what type of discipline techniques you use but this has been the best book in how and why we discipline our kids .
I would highly recommend it! Best parenting book ive ever read!(other than the bible, of course:))
I say let her wear her PJ's....of course she isn't mine. Sometimes we have to choose our battles. A lot of times if you just ignore the tantrum, walk away and leave her alone it will eventually stop. Praying for you.
ReplyDeleteTotally ignore all "needs" that are immediate until she shapes up. If you do this during the week....if she doesn't get dressed by herself. No breakfast until she is dressed.
ReplyDeleteIf she screams with a drop of water- take the water/juice away...and walk away. DONE.
(obviously Sundays are different). BUT even then if she cries about it at all NO snacks, treats, early bedtime...whatever it takes for her to realize- NO WAY.
Usually if one of our kids starts throwing a tantrum I literally don't look at them. I walk away. If they follow I will do anything and everything to not give them a split second of my time. The INSTANT they stop I am ALL THEIRS!!!! I mean - I will throw in extra treats, snuggle times, etc. ANYTHING to get them to realize that once they do what is expected- YOU WILL give them ALL they need and MUCH MORE!!!
PRAY!!! For your own sanity. If you need to do something silly to distract your own brain- like singing, or pretending to dance, etc. DO IT! I do :)
One of our children had tantrums all our screaming for over a 1/2hr daily!!! For a long time. PRAYING because IT STINKS!!!!
I am far from any type of expert, but my youngest son used to flip out over any tag or rough material. I used to have to cut out all tags or large seems from inside his shirts. It definitely got better as he got older, but he is still sensitive about his clothing.
ReplyDeleteI can sympathize with the struggle. It is exhausting!!
My first thought was sensory disorder like someone else posted. As the days go by you will become a pro at ignoring things. If it is just a phase don't play into it to much. She's 2 let her wear her jammies to church, just have warm clothes on hand. Once she is made fun of it will stop.
ReplyDeleteSorry :(
I'm sorry, Shay, this sounds hard. I would probably be inclined to let her dress herself 100% for awhile (and refuse to dry "wet" shirts - maybe give her her own special place to hang her shirts to dry). This isn't a hill I would want to die on ... "Okay, MS, what are you going to wear today? Pink PJs and green rain boots? Awesome." Maybe if it's no big deal to you, it won't be to her either? Praying, friend. You know your girls best, listen to your gut.
ReplyDeleteThank you ALL for the advice! Right now, PJ's to church (or wherever) it is!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI'm loving your family!I have nine children and seven grandchildren and love Jesus. Somewhere along the mom road I decided to spank.My mother didn't spank and my father deserted the family. It was hard but I believe the best thing I learned for parenting. Dr. Dobson supports spanking. I know you can't spank when you are a foster parent.I will pray for you!
ReplyDelete